Boys: Demented & Dangerous,  Deep Thoughts,  Uncategorized

No, They’re Not Identical





When you have twins, people always ask you if they’re identical.  Drew and Porter are not.  Now that they are in the fourth grade, their differences are more pronounced than ever.  Porter weighs ten pounds more, is two inches taller, and looks like me and Finn.  Drew is skinnier and pale, and everyday the cleft in his chin resembles Bill’s even more.

The differences go beyond looks.  If my posts seem Porter-heavy, it’s because he’s always cooking up an experiment, asking a jillion unanswerable questions, or pointing out the inherent injustices in life.

But with Drew, it’s steadier.  I imagine that this must have been what it was like to raise Bill.  No drama.  Follows the rules.  Does chores without asking.

And it’s this last item that starkly demonstrates their differences.  The boys have duties around the house, and failure to perform them results in fines.  Most mornings after the boys leave for school I check their rooms and see who’s fallen down on the job.

They have to make their beds:
Drew’s Bed

Drew gets style points for neat pillow stacking.

Porter’s Bed

Porter’s bed features half-price Target bedding in colors guaranteed to calm a child down at night, but he didn’t even fake making it up.  Minus $1

They must leave their floors neat:

Drew’s floor


No complaints here.

Porter’s floor


Porter’s floor reflects his diverse interests, but a floor is where you walk. I’ve told him it’s permissible to shove everything in the closet as a quick cleaning strategy but he has not exercised even this minimum amount of effort. Fine $1.

Because male Glamores are hardwired to leave drawers open, I require them to close their dresser drawers  each morning:

Drew’s Dresser

Porter’s Dresser

Porter has lost another dollar.  This failure is even more egregious when you consider that I rarely have time to fold clothes and put them in anyone’s dresser, so the boys generally grab clean clothes straight from their laundry baskets in the “dining room.” Porter could have gotten dressed for a week without ever needing to open those drawers. The fact that they have been opened makes me worry about what’s inside.

Porter’s been known to keep cooking implements

and birdseed in his desk drawers, so my fears aren’t unwarranted.
But when it comes to what’s important, Porter is highly organized. Halloween candy, anyone?

Porter’s stash


So I know he is capable of living an uncluttered life.  Whether he goes broke learning to do so is another issue.

Hey! This Thursday, November 13 I’ll be appearing at Milestone Books in Vestavia City Center between 5 and 8 pm to sign copies of the book The Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood, in which my essay “I Love You Like The Crazy You Drive Me” appears. I’ll also be doing a reading at some point during the evening, and if I find out an exact time I’ll post it. I’d love to see you there.

Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Wednesdays: Bible Club, Smelly Van & Pink Thong


  • K

    What is it with these people who leave drawers hanging open? My entire family does that, and I failed miserably at getting them to stop at an early age. Since they’re both over 20, including the hubs, I guess its too late now. I used to fine them for leaving dirty socks in the laundry all wadded up and stuff still in the pockets of their pants, but I didn’t think of fining them for the drawers hanging open. dang.

  • Email From The Embassy

    Hey, I have a Porter over here. Different name, same cleaning strategy – right down to the meticulous organization of Halloween candy. Let me know if you find a solution. For now, I require only that my son digs a clear path from bed to door each night, so he can escape his room in an emergency. What can I say? My standards are clearly too low.

    Email From The Embassy’s last blog post..Did You Miss Me?

  • Kelly

    My twins are identical, but they’re just as different as Drew and Porter. They’re only three, but it’s clear even now that they are two very individual kids, despite their physical similarities. It’s fun to see how two kids who look like little clones of each other can react so differently to life.

  • Headless Mom

    My boys clearly take after Porter-without the candy-sorting ability. But considering my cleaning and organizing abilities the apple falls nonetofar from the tree.


    Headless Mom’s last blog post..150

  • Bhamdining

    I love it! My husband was clearly more like Drew as a child, while I was more like Porter — you had to shovel a path from the door to the bed. I’ve gotten much better, but still have much more tolerance for messiness than hubby (just about the only thing we ever fight about is housework, and he does most of it anyway!).

    Our daughter is actually somewhere in between, and I suspect actually better than average for a 6-year-old, but hubby just cannot understand why she is not a perfect little neat-nick like he was!

    Bhamdining’s last blog post..Upcoming Food Events

  • cynthia

    i think leaving drawers open is a general male thing. my fiance refuses to close a drawer. finally, i started putting his clothes neatly folded on his side of the bed, so then he would have to put them away. it taught him to close the drawers….even if he was only doing it to slam them at me. haha

    cynthia’s last blog post..pretty bows and brownies

  • Keri

    My son not only leaves the drawers open – he completely removes the whole drawer and leaves it across the room. Then gets mad when he can’t find socks that reasonably match.

    I love when you discuss your parenting techniques. My son is a 3rd grader, and as a single parent I need all the help I can get! Plus, you’re WAY more imaginative than I am! Keep all the “helpful tips” coming!!

  • Kathy

    lakelurker – I can vouch for that one. I have boy/girl twins who are 10 now. You have no idea how many times people have said, “But they don’t really look alike!” ??? (Do they have to?) “Oh how nice! A boy and a girl! Are they identical?” ??? Even had a nurse ask us that in the hospital when they were one day old.

    And ironically, they are very much alike.

  • Joy East of theKingdom

    A lot of people don’t know that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are actually faternal twins. They just happened to look a lot alike.

    My brothers-in-law are identical twins and sometimes they are like halves of the same whole. I’ve known them since they were young, back when they did that freaky-twin-mind-reading thing and finished each other’s sentences. Even though my in-laws didnt dress them the same, like some parents do, they had the same taste and wound up being dressed nearly alike anyway, even as teens. I used to tease them about tattooing their names on their foreheads so I could tell them apart. Wanna know how I tell them apart now that they are adults…you guessed it…they each have different tattoos!

    Joy East of theKingdom’s last blog post..C’est La Vie!

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