At a recent football game, a neighboring high school performed a halftime dance routine at a football game that “stunned and appalled” one Tiny Kingdom woman. She found the routine inappropriate for public viewing, as the girls wore mens’ button down shirts and ties and proceeded to “suggestively shake and shimmy.” Later they tore off the shirts and revealed dance costumes underneath.
I have not seen the routine in question, but I’m an expert in both football dance routines and shimmying in a button down shirt, so I have a little something to say about this topic.
From 1982 through 1985 I was a member of the Dorians, the Tiny Kingdom’s dance team. In keeping with our mostly Republican, all white demographic, we performed routines so conservative that we might as well have been the toy soldiers in The Nutcracker. There was nary a wiggle or waggle to be found. Then we’d march off the field and watch while the other teams shook their asses and laid it down. I found it highly frustrating.
We scored a coup in the fall of 1985, when the band played “Thriller” and our choreography called for us to turn our backs to the stands and shake our fannies from side to side, using our hands to accentuate the motion. For a few seconds during each show I felt like a Solid Gold dancer, but it was a small reward for two years of marching with the occasional kick-ball-change. At least our high-kick line rocked.
But what does this have to do with the current situation? Well, as it turns out, the other high school disagreed that their costume and routine was suggestive of a striptease. Again, I didn’t witness it.
But about three years ago, when Bill and I decided to add some pizzazz to our sex life, I bought a book that was full of ideas besides hopping in the bed and going at it. I wrote all about it here. The book promised that if I walked around in one of Bill’s button downs and a pair of high heels, he’d appreciate the show. The tip was so successful that I shared it with my Bible Study, all of whom have reported amazing results. (One attendee recommends inviting your husband home for lunch, where he finds you vacuuming in this getup. They never made it to the bedroom, and she suffered rug burns that she says were totally worth it.)
Unless you have actually worked as a French maid in the past and held on to your uniform, the button down shirt is the thriftiest provocative outfit you can wear if you’re getting ready to make googly eyes with your lover. Sexier even than the Garden of Eden costume, because in my experience, a man likes to rip a little something off a woman and fling it on the ground.
So I’m thinking that the idea that the dancers’ costume had no sexual overtones was a bit naive. My scientific experimentation has proven the outfit to be titillating and seductive, and that’s exactly what I intend each time I put it on. If you were a Dorian and saved your seamed fishnet pantyhose, well, that just adds an extra layer of entertainment.
Let’s all take a vote. You can try out the shirt and hip shake to gauge its effect before voting if you need to. In fact, I encourage you to do so.
Three years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: All About You