Bill turned on the Grammys in the middle of the show, forgetting the golden rule of Grammy Watching with kids: Thou shalt watch the Grammys only on Tivo, as musical acts are apt to gyrate clad only in underwear and bras in the name of art.
When he tuned in, Kanye West was in the middle of his performance. He wore a vest with glowing stripes and white sunglasses and had “Mama” etched into his buzzcut. Daft Punk was in the background providing electronica– they looked like astronauts playing pong. Pink smoke shot into the air.
Bill was confused by the TV scene, had never heard of Kanye and wondered what aliens had to do with the music.
He didn’t have much time to speculate.
The twins got their new Bibles during the late service at church today, and Drew was settled on the sofa engrossed in the story of Passover and peppering Bill with theological questions.
“Why did God say he’d kill the first-born child?” “What if the family put blood on the door but God didn’t see it?” “What if the oldest sons were twins and were born at the exact same time– would they both be killed?” “Do the Jews buy a live lamb when they celebrate Passover today?”
Bill tried to answer the questions, but Porter had decided that the parakeets, Feathers and Texas Ranger, needed exercise and would benefit from hearing music, so he’d carried them into the den to let them walk around on the carpet. Texas Ranger kept flying into the corner, or onto the curtain, and occasionally onto Bill’s stomach, which interfered with Bill’s attempts to recall Biblical history.
Finn was engrossed in the music and was unhappy with the chirping and Biblical talk interfering with a proper Grammy experience. He came downstairs where I was writing and complained that Grammy protocol was not being observed:
- the program had not been started from the beginning with all spectators having retrieved snacks and drinks and taken care of toilet visits prior to the show;
- there was extraneous talking having to do with Biblical topics, not music;
- Birds should not be allowed at the Grammy viewing: Porter was trying to corral Feathers and Texas Ranger, but kept crawling under the coffee table and back and forth in front of the tv in order to do so, blocking the view.
I came upstairs and banished the birds, rewound the show, and we proceeded to watch, free from flying parakeets. Theological debates were minimized.
Herewith, our show notes.
Bill: She’s got some pipes.
Finn: Man, I always thought she had big boobs, but those are like little starter breasts.
Anne: Some of us would consider them ample finishing breasts.
Bill: I think she just needs a bra.
Bill: (singing) o-e-o-e-o!
Drew: Where do you buy a gold suit like that?
Porter: Yeah, that’s never a choice I see at the store.
Anne: (doing the jungle dance)
Bill and Anne: o-e-o-e-o!
Drew: I thought Ringo was dead.
Porter: What the BEEP? He’s a LIVE Beatle.
Porter: Why is that lady hanging from the ceiling?
Finn: She looks like she’s being pummeled by King Kong.
Bill: Not soon enough.
Drew: Why do the people in the Bible keep killing goats and lambs?
Anne: Didn’t y’all already see this? (starts to hit fast forward)
Finn: Stop! I didn’t see Daft Punk!
(all watch as pyramid opens and astronauts “play” computers)
Bill: This is weird.
Bill: There’s my girl!
Bill: Did they say “Food Fighters?” This should be interesting.
Finn: Dad, you don’t know anything about music, do you?
Porter: I think a better name would be the Foo Doo Fighters. I might write them a letter.
Anne: Dave Grohl is just darling.
Anne: Bill, he’s married to the girl who was Steve Martin’s daughter in Father of the Bride.
Bill: Does that have anything to do with music?
Anne: No, just a fun fact.
Porter: Whoa– that guitar rocks! It’s like a leopard.
Finn: It’s like, totally obnoxious.
Drew: Mom, did it take Noah 120 years to build the ark?
Anne: I have no idea. Let’s talk music now and Bible later.
Porter: What is she wearing?
Anne: A yellow tent. She’s pretty large, but a very famous singer. You should listen.
Finn: Fat ladies can really belt it out.
Anne: I am unimpressed and do not understand the hype.
Porter: She skipped a number when she was counting.
Drew: She would be a terrible shepherd. They have to keep track of every sheep.
Bill: I’m going to bed.
Finn: She’s smokin’.
Anne: She wore a rockin’ blue dress when she came in. I think it would look great on me.
Anne: I hope she sings “Back To Black.”
Finn: Are you sure she’s not high?
Anne: No, but she’s clapping in time to the music, so the odds are in her favor. Maybe she’s just weak.
(rewinds and replays)
The awards may not be over, but the Glamores are done!
What did you love/hate about the awards?
How about Kanye and Amy?
Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: The Missing Macho Valentines